Jesus said the following about homosexuality,  “  .” That’s it, period.

Now Jesus did talk about heterosexuality, marriage, and divorce.  But that is another post.

If it were not for grace, we would ALL be in trouble.

Thanks be to God.

I’ve been wanting to write this letter for a while. I have heard that some of your pastors, priests, rabbis, or imams have unfortunately misled you regarding your son or daughter’s sexual orientation.  We have made your burden heavier, not lighter.

As a clergy person, I want to apologize to you. I am very sorry.  We were wrong.

This issue reminds us of the Civil Rights movement in the 1950s and 1960s when we thought we were right to preach against integration.  We thought since our sacred text allowed slaves thousands of years ago, then we could ignore the rights of persons of color in our lifetime.  So we supported the laws that restricted where African Americans could eat or sleep or live, or whether or not they could be educated alongside our children or marry whom they loved.  We quoted the scripture out of context to support our views.  And even worse, many of us were silent, and we allowed others to speak for us.

And now we are doing it again. We have not listened carefully to the struggle or pain of your son or daughter.  We have only tried to change them.  We have ignored the grief in your heart.

We have used the Bible to exclude rather than to include, to incur guilt instead of grace.

We are afraid. We are afraid we will lose our jobs if we preach the truth.  We are afraid that some of our own family members, or even ourselves, are struggling with this issue.  We have not found the words in our vocabulary to speak of this issue with love and  grace.

So I ask you to remember these three things until we talk again:

1.  You did not cause your child to be gay.

2.  Your child is not choosing to be gay, it is who s/he was created to be.

3.  Your child has so many gifts that our world needs.  Love them for who they are, and teach them the same principles you would teach them if they were straight.  Be honest with your struggle and be vulnerable with them.  It will give you an opportunity to grow closer to one another.

God loves you and your child. Gay or straight, black or white, we are all in need of God’s grace.

I will write more in coming days when I have time.  I look forward to hearing from you.

Please pray for us, we need it too,

Malcolm

This may be one of the most boring posts I have written on my blog.  Why?

I prefer to tell stories because I think we learn best from the experience of others, and God speaks to me clearest through interaction with others.  But, for years I have heard some of my Christian friends talk about what the Bible has to say about homosexuality.  This issue is ripping our churches apart in most Christian denominations.  It does not have to be so if we would be open to more light and less heat on the subject.

You have heard the words if you’ve grown up in a Christian church.  “Homosexuality is an abomination before God.”  Proof texting (a passage of Scripture used to prove a doctrine) all by itself is as dry as dust and holds no life-giving water for me.

So how do we take the Bible seriously without trying to make every word and each letter to be understood literally?  For me, there are three guidelines to interpreting and understanding what the Bible means to me:

1)  What does the scripture actually say in its full context (audience), and how is it consistent or inconsistent with how Jesus lived and what he taught?

2)  What have Christians said about the meaning of this passage through the ages (tradition) as I do not live my faith in isolation, and I do not have all the truth.

3) Based on my personal experience in the world, with the Spirit’s help, how can I spiritually discern or grow from this truth? In my Baptist upbringing, we called this way of thinking  “the priesthood of every believer.”  In other words, how do I use the brain God gave me to understand a spiritual truth?

I believe many of the people who say “what the Bible says about homosexuality” have never really studied the context of what is written. I have to admit I was one of them.  I did not read and study it myself for many years. I just chose the Bible verses that supported what I already believed, and repeated what I heard others say.  As I have grown older and have known hundreds of persons who are gay through my ministry, and have been exposed to a new way of understanding as a result, my beliefs have changed.

So, let me try to explain what I believe about the Leviticus 18 passage used by many Christians against gay folks.

What does this passage actually say? You can read the entire chapter for yourself here.

The “abomination” word is used in verse 22, “You shall not lie with a male as with a woman; it is an abomination.”  It also adds a penalty at Leviticus 20:13, “If a man lies with a male as with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination; they shall be put to death; their blood is upon them.”  Few today would advocate the death penalty for all homosexuals, though there are a few.  So why have this sexual rule or ethic?  (Leviticus also says it is an abomination to eat shrimp or shellfish, all kinds of birds are forbidden, and the list goes on).   The context is important to understand.  In other words, I don’t know one Christian who lives by what Leviticus says, except when it supports the point they want to make.

It was the Jewish belief 3,000 years ago that everything to do about human life came from semen (women were not valued in the circle of life since there was no understanding of ovulation and eggs), in other words it all came from the guys only.  So to masturbate or have sex with another male (spilling semen without creating children) was considered murder because no child could be reproduced.  The future of the Jewish people depended on procreation, as it does for every ethnic group.

But there is no understanding here of mutual loving relationships between two males or two females.  It was all about procreation.  But to make the leap that couples who cannot or do not create children as a result of their sexual union disqualifies all of us heterosexual couples who have not been able to, or have chosen not to, have children in their relationships.  I would be in that list.

As a preacher’s kid growing up in Alabama, I remember some members of my father’s church quoting scripture to justify not allowing African Americans to worship in our church (as if they wanted to worship with us), or not allowing African Americans and white people to date, or God forbid, to marry whom they loved regardless of race.  The whole right to marry whom you love, regardless of race or gender, to me seems to be at least a civil (equal) right of every American in the same way that voting is.  They did the same in my seminary years when they wanted to forbid women to be pastors or priests.  But I get ahead of myself.

A minister friend of mine read my blog recently and wrote to me and said, “Malcolm, I appreciate the way you care for people who are homosexual showing them God’s love, but the overwhelming evidence of Scripture is so clear about how wrong that behavior is, when do you help them to see how wrong their lifestyle is?”

“I don’t,” I said without any inflection in my voice.  “I just love them the way I believe God does, and in the way that I want to be loved,” I added.  “I checked my job description when I came to work here in 1994 and I couldn’t find where it said I was supposed to straighten everyone out, so I try to avoid doing that,” I said with my tongue planted firmly in my cheek.

I am a third generation ordained Baptist minister.  I have been a minister on the staffs of Presbyterian, Southern Baptist, and United Church of Christ Congregational churches.  And now at this time in my life, I am a member of the Episcopal church.  Some people would see the last two sentences as evidence that I am confused about what I believe.  To me, hopefully it means I’m willing to be open to growing and learning from others.  I don’t have the last word about truth.

For me, this scripture is not about mutual loving, respectful, committed relationships between two adults.  It is about making sure there are enough children for the tribe to survive.

My experience in walking with hundreds of people who are gay is that I’ve never known one to say “I chose this way of being.” Rather it is the way they have always been.  The way they were created.  This is my experience in listening to them, maybe yours has been different.

The most loving thing I know to do is to encourage respectful, committed, loving relationships towards whomever he or she is attracted regardless of gender.

This blog is getting too long so I will stop for the day, and maybe add more later.

In the meantime, you can read ALL of the scriptures related to homosexuality in the Bible that most Christians reference:

1. Leviticus 18 (today’s reading)
2. Leviticus 20
3. Genesis 19
4. Judges 19
5. Romans 1
6. I Corinthians 6
7. I Timothy 1

Want to read more?  I recommend a book called “Those Seven References: A Study of 7 References to Homosexuality in the Bible” by The Rev. John F. Dwyer.  There is also an excellent short booklet written by Mel White, “What the Bible Says – And Doesn’t Say, about Homosexuality.”

Thanks for any comments that you have.

This post fits in both series:  “One Christian Minister’s Response to Homosexuality,” and “The Alabama Heartsong Retreat.”

Friendships change us. Alan Woellhart is one of those friends in my life.  Let me explain.

I met Alan in 1993 when I was interviewing for my present job.  He was on the Chaplain search committee and a patient at the clinic.  Alan was also one of the instrumental figures in starting the Alabama Heartsong Retreat, and he is the only person in Heartsong’s history who has helped coordinate and attend all sixteen retreats.  An amazing accomplishment by itself.

Alan met Manny on July 4th weekend in 1993 and like many love stories, the two of them were a perfect fit for one another.  I observed the tenderness in the way they talked and listened to one another, and how thoughtful they were in their actions towards one another.  They were best friends, as well as partners in life.  Their personalities complimented one another.  They were quick to smile and laugh when in each other’s presence.

After dating for about a year, Alan asked, “Malcolm, I want to talk with you about something.  Manny and I want to get married and we were wondering if you would do the ceremony?”  It was the first time I had been asked by a gay couple to officiate at their wedding. In Alabama of course, this really meant a union “blessing” since they would not even receive civil rights of a married couple by the state.

I told Alan that I would be honored to participate in their wedding if the two of them would be open to pre-marital counseling.  After all, I had performed many weddings as a minister and had done pre-marital counseling with the heterosexual couples.  (Alan secretly told me later that he thought I was trying to find something in their relationship so that I could respectfully decline.)

I met four or five times with the happy couple who always held hands in my presence and we talked about finances, issues related to their biological families, faith, communication skills, and more.  They were clear that they wanted to make a life long commitment to one another in front of family and friends.

The wedding was at Alan’s home in Jasper, AL. Most of the staff of The 1917 Clinic were present along with Alan’s family.  Some of the Catholic nuns who were friends from our previous Heartsong Retreats were also present to celebrate the day.  We all stood in the living room, shoulder to shoulder, face to face, for Alan and Manny to declare their vows before God, friends, and family.

I used the same service I had used for most weddings I had conducted with a few changes like using “Life Partners” instead of husband or wife for vows.  The language changes were minor.  The reception afterwards was joyous and the food was delicious with smiles, hugs, music, and lots of laughter.

Alan even won his mother-in-law over in subsequent years and he became like another son to her.  He said, “after I painted her house and hung ceiling fans, she came around!”

And then one day Manny noticed blood in his urine and Alan took him to the doctor. After some tests, the diagnosis and prognosis were grim–renal cell carcinoma.  Treatment was scheduled but Manny’s health declined over the next year.

In 1996, Alan convinced Manny into coming to Heartsong with him.  The rest of the participants loved Manny and I will never forget Alan singing to Manny in the Wednesday night talent show.  They were inseparable.  Ironically, it was the year after I had been divorced and I wondered if I would ever have a love like they had.  They gave me hope.

Over the next year, Manny was hospitalized and there were times when Alan couldn’t see Manny in ICU when he was critical because medical staff stated that only his “family could see him.”  That just wasn’t right.

Both decided that Manny would be cared for at home in his last few months.  The extraordinary hours and tender loving care given to Manny by Alan were like couples I had visited in similar circumstances over the years.

And on September 19th, 1997, Manny died at home with Alan at his side.

I had the privilege and honor of conducting Manny’s funeral.  It was the first time I had conducted the wedding and funeral for the same person within a four year period of time.

Understandably, it took Alan several years to work through his grief.  I remember that he came to Heartsong for the next couple of years and he hardly said a word the whole week.  His grief was almost too much to bear.  For all of us.

Finally, Alan became the sassy, no-nonsense guy so many of us knew him to be previously.  He began living again.  His faith was one of the things that made a difference.

Today, Alan has been HIV positive since 1989.  A twenty year journey.

Maybe now you can understand why I felt a lump in my throat this week when I was sitting across the table from Alan as we put together the 16th annual Heartsong Retreat starting on Monday .

I thank God for giving me friends like Alan Woellhart.

Friendships make a difference.  Alan sure has.

This is the ninth in a series on “One Christian Minister’s Response to Homosexuality.”

I have been wanting to say this publicly for most of my adult life, but I have been afraid to admit this to myself, to my loved ones and to my friends.  I was afraid what my family would think or say or do.  I did not want to hurt them.  I’ve always wanted them to be proud of me.  I’ve tried hard to be who they wanted me to be.   But, I have to be who I am, who I believe God created me to be.

I know that some of you who have known me for many years have been wondering about my sexual orientation.  I have wanted to be truthful about my feelings from the time I went to seminary, became a pastor in rural Kentucky, and worked on the church staff of two churches full-time in a Southern Baptist church and a United Church of Christ Congregational church.  What I am trying to say is I know that at least a few of you have wondered if I am straight (heterosexual) or gay (homosexual) for all of these years.

So today, on April 16, 2009, on the 31st anniversary of my ordination to ministry, I have decided to come out of the closet.

Here goes.  Deep breath.

I AM STRAIGHT.  There, I said it.  It is true, I am a heterosexual. While I prefer you refer to me as “straight,” I know others are more comfortable with the term “heterosexual” or “hetero.”  Either are better than some names I have heard.  Some of you are probably saying you knew it all along and it does not come as a surprise to you.  For others of you, I realize this may come as a shock and I hope and pray you will still love me regardless.  I am the same person you have known for all these years.  But from this day forward, I’m not looking back. I’m choosing to move forward and hold my head high as a child of God.

Maybe one of the easiest ways I can answer many of your questions is to just answer the TOP TEN questions I have been asked over the years.

1.  When did you first decide to become a heterosexual? I knew I was different when I was in the first grade and loved sitting by Andrea in our reading group at Davis Elementary in Montgomery.  We even secretly told one another we were boyfriend and girlfriend, but neither of us really knew what that meant so nothing happened.  I have felt this attraction towards girls for as long as I can remember.

2.  What do you think caused you to be a heterosexual? Now that I am 53, I see life differently than I when I was younger.  I look back and believe God created me to be a “hetero.”   It is true that I always had a very close relationship with my mother.  In fact, it seems like I have adopted mothers throughout my life.  But my Mamma was the center of my universe.  Tragically she died when I was ten and I used to think I was maybe straight because I’ve always wanted to love a woman the way I loved her.  But now I know that her death was not the cause of me being a heterosexual.  I have been this way all my life.

3.  Is it possible your heterosexuality is just a phase you may grow out of? No, it is not a phase.  I can’t imagine what it is like being with a man sexually. It just seems very natural for me to be attracted to a woman.

4.  If you’ve never slept with a person of the same sex, how do you know you wouldn’t prefer that? Well, that’s pretty personal.  But let me put it this way, I just don’t have the sexual attraction and desire for a person of the same sex, though I have many close friends who are male.  Does that make sense?

5.  Why do you heterosexuals insist on being so obvious with public displays of affection with a partner?  Can’t you just be who you are and not flaunt it? I agree it is a little uncomfortable for me to see people hanging all over one another in public, or giving each other deep kisses when other people are around.  That doesn’t seem appropriate to me.  But I do like to hold my partner’s hand when we walk together, or give her a little kiss on the lips when I am leaving or when I see her in public.  I do not mean to be offensive to others.

6.  Why are heterosexuals so promiscuous? I have to admit that many heterosexuals are promiscuous and they get all of the media attention. Politicians,  sports figures, movie stars, and even clergy do not always help the reputation of straight folks.  Of course, I can’t speak for them, only for me.  I have been faithful to my life partner.

7.  What do you believe the Bible and God thinks about heterosexuals? I believe that God loves all of God’s human family.  As a Christian, I believe God loved us so much that God sent God’s son, Jesus, to show us the way to God.  I think God must be disappointed at times with heterosexuals.  We all fall short and make mistakes.  Not one of us is perfect.   I am so thankful for grace.

8.  How can you enjoy a fully satisfying sexual experience with a person of the opposite sex when the physical, biological, and psychological differences between you are so great?  How can a man possibly understand what pleases a woman sexually or vice versa? No comment.  Next question.

9.  Why do you think there are so many unhappy heterosexuals? There are lots of reasons straight people are unhappy.  Sometimes we try to find happiness in what we can buy, or who we can be sexually intimate with, or by what kind of drugs we can take, or how much alcohol we can drink.  Sometimes we are unhappy because we are not connected to God, our Creator.  I can think of hundreds of reasons why heterosexuals are unhappy, just like a few homosexuals I know.

10.  Why are heterosexuals always trying to seduce others into their sexual orientation? I have never tried to seduce another person to change them into being a heterosexual.

So there it is for all the world to see.

Malcolm Lewis Marler is a heterosexual.

I hope you will still love me, because this is who I am.  We all want to love someone, and want to be loved by our beloved.

Thanks for listening.

This is the eighth in a series on “One Christian Minister’s Response to Homosexuality.”

When I started dating my wife, Mary Sullivan, on January 29, 2003, I was swept off my feet.   I told the world about it.

I remember calling my “surrogate mother” from my college years, Ina Durham, from the airport as I was leaving Mary in Chapel Hill in 2003.

“Ina,” I said with unbridled clarity like I had never expressed, “I have fallen in love, I’ve been swept off my feet, and it has finally happened!”  She giggled with me and asked for more details.  Ina and Harry had been second parents to me for almost 30 years.  They always held on to the hope that I would find a life partner with whom I could celebrate life fully.  Over the next few days, I called dozens of people to share my joy.  I told Kelly, Chris, Joe, Mike, and many others at work about this new love I had found.

But I simply cannot imagine having to keep that relationship a secret from others.   And yet, that’s what some of my friends do on a daily basis who are gay.   If they are not ready to risk rejection from friends, or love that is withheld from family members, they keep quiet.  They tell no one, and their joy is silenced.

Many of my friends who are gay or lesbian have to mute their excitement daily, use “neutral pronouns” when they are asked by work colleagues what their weekend plans are, or shake their heads “No” when a stranger asks them if  they are married or have children when making small talk.  They are asked, but they don’t tell.  Except maybe in the smallest of circles.

I called Rick Meyer, my close friend from Glastonbury, CT who had stood by me for years when I struggled through my divorce, and had been there for me through several relationships that didn’t work out.  He shared my joy when I told him I was getting married.  I had found my life partner and I wanted the world to know.

Mary and I went to the court house and bought our marriage license.  We called my pastor and asked her if she would perform our wedding ceremony in a few days.  Sarah had come to know Mary and her children because we worshiped together regularly and she was almost as excited as we were.  We eloped a few days later with only Sarah, Judy Bridgers (close friend), and Brendan and Kiki present.  Instantly Mary and I had all of the rights and responsibilities that all spouses enjoy.  But not so if you are gay.  And that’s just not right.

Not only can you not buy a marriage license for your life partner in Alabama if you are gay, but you better not ask your clergy person about blessing your relationship either.  They are more likely to see your joyful love as illegitimate and shameful.

Even the most caring and enlightened clergy I know believe they have to turn down the opportunity to do a “Union Ceremony” for a gay couple because his or her job depends on it.  Who can blame them?  How many of us make decisions that risks our present and future job opportunities?  And yet no hospital visitation, or property rights, or inheritance come with a clergy blessing.

I used to think that “domestic partnerships” sanctioned by the state would be enough if it gave equal rights to couples. I should know better growing up in the South during the Civil Rights movement and hearing “equal but separate” education for persons who were black and white.  Those of us who were white believed it was very equal and were thankful it was separate.  It didn’t affect the majority of white folks anyway.  When you are in the minority though, being equal is more important.

While domestic partnerships might be an interim step, a domestic partnership is not enough.   For gay couples whose faith is central in their lives, anything short of a wedding denies a gay couple the joy and blessing of their church.

I believe that God is love, so how can I oppose two persons who want to make a life commitment to one another in love?  How can I deny a couple all of the rights that I take for granted? How can I deny a couple the social support that I value in my own marriage?  How can I deny a couple the blessing all straight couples get in a church whether their faith is central or not in their lives?

I cannot.

But I can continue to offer my services to gay couples who ask for a blessing in a Union Ceremony as I have done in the past in Alabama.  I can advocate for gay couples to have rights that are equal to straight couples.  And I can work towards the day when gay marriage is legal in Alabama.  Don’t laugh.  Many of my brothers and sisters in my home state could not have imagined the day when an African American man would be President of the United States.  And we will have an African American governor in the state of Alabama, maybe sooner rather than later.

My silence in the past as been my downfall.  I simply can’t do it anymore.  It’s just not right.

___________________________

NOTE:  There are signs of hope.  Connecticut, Massachusetts, Iowa (April 27, 2009), Vermont (September 1, 2009), and Maine (May 6, 2009) have legalized same gender marriages.  California approved same sex marriages, then had it taken away, and is still being pursued.  Bills to allow same-sex marriage are currently before lawmakers in New Hampshire, Maine, New York and New Jersey.  Legal unions or domestic partnerships are approved in New Jersey, New Hampshire and Washington (April 15, 2009).  Maine, Hawaii, District of Columbia, Oregon, and Maryland  have created legal unions with certain rights.  Read more here.

This is the seventh in a series on “One Christian Minister’s Response to Homosexuality.”

Mary Bea Sullivan

I was talking with my Mary last night about how discouraged I was about this series on homosexuality on my blog. When she asked why I said, “I don’t know, I think my friends who are straight are probably annoyed with a straight, white, bald guy writing about this issue. And I’m not sure this is really encouraging or helping persons who are gay. I just don’t know,” as I shook my head.

She reminded me about two blogs that I read on a regular basis and how I had just read two posts from those blogs aloud to her recently.  We were both moved by the truth, clarity, and humor of each.

Mary said, “Drexel and Rami are not even aware that you read their blogs and you are moved by their words.  I bet there are people who are reading your blog and you just don’t know about it.”

She saw my faithless face and added, “Besides, I’m not sure that is the reason you are writing anyway,” alluding to the fact that I write because it is important for me to put my thoughts, beliefs, and reflections down for my own sake.

And, she is right.  I write here so that I can be clearer about my life’s purpose.

The reason I am on this planet is to create community and connection for persons who need it most, wherever I encounter them in my daily life. I know what it is like to be alone and wonder if God is present.

When I got up at my regular 4:30 a.m. time this morning, one of the first things I read was an email I received overnight from an anonymous reader on my blog.  Here is what this person said:

Thank you for giving a damn about me. Thank you for giving your heart and soul to those of us in the LGBTQ (lesbian, gay, bi-sexual, transgendered, questioning) community.  Thank you for serving God and embracing the diversity that IS God.

I am reading your series and have wept through nearly every post. It reminds me of my own struggle with sexuality vs. my Evangelical upbringing. I prayed for nearly 30 years, endured exorcisms (yes, exorcisms), counseling, ex-gay camps, condemning, damning sermons, flaming accusations, etc. from the church.

I was and still am Gay. God didn’t change that part of my life. I had come to a point where I plea bargained with God that if He didn’t change me, I’d just be gay, leave Him behind and go to hell, like I had been taught–because I couldn’t fight anymore. I surely couldn’t be gay AND Christian.  So, if God didn’t change me, it meant He didn’t love me. My whole world changed in 2006. I visited a gay-affirming church and Pastor J.R. Finney II, from Covenant Community Church taught me to forget all that I had learned and to discover God again; this time, without the guilt of religion.

While I am thankful for my previous religious upbringing, as a foundation for God’s word, I am more thankful that I got a chance to re-learn what God really says about me in His Word. God thinks I am OK and I’d rather have God’s approval. I have since forgiven those Christians who ignorantly shunned, hated and damned me.

I have even forgiven the Pastor who “outed” me 17 years ago during one of his famous fire and brimstone sermons on a Sunday morning when I was absent.  He is no longer there.  I have visited the church of my childhood several times since then–and you know what, I am loved by them.

The members, many who have been my Sunday school teachers, school teachers, either don’t remember or don’t care that I am gay. And you know what? They accept me unconditionally and often invite me to do the Lectionary readings on Sunday morning when I visit.  That is an honor that I cherish. I am what I am; I am how God made me, and I embrace that now.

My life has been hard, but I grew and I learned, and I thrived. I think that, things had been really easy, would I appreciate my life this much? Furthermore, the struggles remind me that “the negative experience helps us appreciate the positive that much more.”

I want to say thank you to this anonymous writer for creating community for me when I needed it most.  Surprise, surprise.

And thank you to my wife, Mary Bea Sullivan , for your encouragement in my life.  You create connection for me like I have never experienced before.

I think I’ll keep writing.

This is the sixth in a series on “One Christian Minister’s Response to Homosexuality.”

When I have the privilege to listen to a person’s story as he or she shares a personal journey about sexual orientation, you begin to hear common themes over and over again. Matt wrote part of his story and sent it to me when he discovered I was writing this series.

The themes in Matt’s story below are familiar: Early awareness of being different; recognizing secret feelings towards the same gender in middle and high school but still trying to fit in with the norm; finding persons to talk to openly about feelings in young adulthood; and finally finding peace about one’s orientation. For many of the persons I listen to, like Matt, he or she finds that a spiritual journey is at the heart of it all.

When I was little, I knew there was something different. In 5 year old kindergarten, I remember playing with the girls over in the toy kitchen, more than with the boys over with the rubber balls and such. The teacher would always come over, and with her hands on my shoulders would push me over to where the boys were. She would tell me that I should play with the boys…so without hesitation I looked at one of the boys and said “Hi, my name is Matthew and I’ll be your server this evening, can I start you out with some drinks?” I would take everyone’s order then head back to the kitchen. The girls loved the idea of playing “restaurant”, and the boys could care less….the teacher eventually gave up.

I went through local public schools for elementary grades, then transferred to a private Christian school for middle and high school. As I grew older, I still knew I was different and towards the later years of high school had an idea of what was going on. When I tended to have crushes on the boys and not the girls…I knew. However, I was programmed to believe that it was wrong. My school taught that it was an affect of a poor relationship with one’s father. At the time, I bought that idea as my father and I hardly said two words to each other through high school. It wasn’t until my arrival in college that I began to really deal with me being gay, and how it affected my spiritual walk.

Fortunately, my best friend from high school (also my roommate) and I began attending First Baptist in my college town in my freshman year. We both began to get really involved with the Baptist Student Union and our church’s college group. Everything was going well…I had met a cute girl and we had begun dating, school was going great. I was having the time of my life.

I walked into my freshman political science class along with around 400 other freshmen. The professor had a seating chart in order to maintain attendance records, so I found my spot and sat down. I started talking to a guy next to me in class and before long he let me know he was gay. Through his friendship I was able to talk to someone about everything that was going on and he understood exactly. The weight that was lifted off of me was incredible. I immediately thought that if I am questioning myself, the last thing I need to do is cause someone else pain. I talked with my girlfriend and told her what was going on. She was angry and decided to tell all her friends and my friends what was going on.

I kept attending the First Baptist Church. The minister of college students eventually pulled me aside and flat out asked me what was going on related to my breakup. We ended up going to lunch one afternoon and I dreaded the conversation. He asked…I told….but his reply was not what I expected. He sat there and told me that not all Christians believed the way I was taught…that there are some out there who actually believe being gay is perfectly fine…and that many of those Christians were in attendance at First Baptist.

That following summer, I scheduled a meeting with another pastor in my hometown and we talked. His first response was to laugh. I looked puzzled at him. He apologized and then said he had known I was gay ever since I was a little guy. I continued to look puzzled…he affirmed that not all Christians believe it is wrong. He continued to reassure me that everything is fine with me, and that I need to find my own spirituality…his words were “To own my spirituality”. He wanted me to drop everything I had learned…and to re-read the Bible again for the first time. Clear out everything I had been taught…all pre-conceived ideas and to develop my own faith based on my own relationship with God.

So I did. I began reading everything over again. I took theology courses, studied different viewpoints and arguments on interpretations. Through the years at college, I began to open up to different ideas and beliefs. I questioned everything.

I finally understood that I am created by God as a gay man…this is who I am..who I am supposed to be.

Matt is now an active member in his church in Birmingham, AL.   I appreciate his friendship and for sharing his story so that others could hear it.

Stereotypes.  Sometimes we think all Baptists and Baptist churches are the same when it comes to their view of homosexuality.  But Oakhurst Baptist in Decatur, GA is an exception.   JoEllen Holmes recently wrote about her own journey in changing her thinking over the years about persons who are gay and their role in the church.

JoEllen Holmes

When I was a Senior at Jacksonville State University (Alabama), my Sociology teacher wanted to take our class for a multi-cultural field trip which included a visit to the premier gay bar in Atlanta.  I wanted to go, but somehow, my conservative Baptist roots held me back after my Pastor warned me that going to such a place would be like visiting hell.

During my years at a Baptist Seminary, I know that I had many friends that were gay.  As a student there, I am certain that they were not out of the closet, but retrospectively, I am aware that many were struggling with the issue and were not able to talk about it openly.  Yet, I knew, and I didn’t know how to process it.  Because even then, in what was then a progressive place of education, such discussion was not welcome.

Finally, after completing seminary, I was working on my Master of Social Work.  One class, Cultural Diversity, gave us an assignment to visit a place that was not within our cultural comfort zone.  I decided then, that my visit to the gay bar was long overdue.

My pastor’s warning did not seem to be based in reality.  Instead of finding hell, I found a place where human beings existed. In fact, my escort for the evening were two gay friends from the local Baptist church that I began attending.  From that experience, I learned that it really did not matter whether or not homosexuality was a sin or evil, but what mattered was that if God dwells among us now in human form, then God is a part of the lives all human beings, including gays and lesbians.

Today, I am a member of Oakhurst Baptist Church in Decatur, GA.  Every year, our church is only one of few churches that march in the Atlanta Gay Pride Parade.  We are in fact, the only Baptist Church. Our church gathers every year on the weekend, putting together a float on the back of a flat bed truck.  Some 30 – 40 members of Oakhurst walk together, children, adults, parents of LGBT friends, straight, black, and conservative lookin white people get together to celebrate the goodness of our diversity.  We receive jeers from some who have been scarred by the abuses of the church.  We see weeping from others who long for a church that they can call home.  We hear jeers from the conservative churches in the crowd cursing and damning us into hell for our beliefs.  We also hear applause and cheers from those who are thankful that we are there.

I am very thankful for my brothers and sisters who are gay and lesbian.  They have enriched my life, and have become a part of the fabric of my world.  Thanks be to God.

This is the fourth in a series on “One Christian Minister’s Response to Homosexuality.”

I still remember my first lesson about being judgmental of another from my mother. I was about five years old and my sister and I were arguing as five and seven year olds tend to do.  I could tell I was losing the fight, so I pulled out what I thought would be my verbal ace.  I blurted out, “You’re not really a Marler!” Ouch.

It was the meanest thing I could have said to my sister who was adopted.

Marcy’s adoption brought my parents indescribable joy especially after the grief of losing their first child at childbirth and being told they could not have more children.

My hurtful words had no longer than just left my mouth when I felt my mother’s strong hand grab the upper portion of my arm and escort me into the bedroom.  She sat me down on the bed, looked into my eyes with her misting eyes, and said with a quivering but stern voice,

Let me tell you one thing Malcolm Lewis Marler.  First, that was a very mean thing to say to your sister.  Second, I want you to know that Marcy has been a Marler longer than you have!  Third, I want you to apologize to her.

She was exactly right, of course.  What I said was mean and hurtful.

“Yes ma’am,” as I tried to hold back the tears.  I walked into the room and told my sister I was very sorry for what I said.  I told her I was glad she was a Marler.  I think I even hugged her.

This reminds me of what we do in the church sometimes.  We can be mean and hurtful when we feel like we are losing an argument, or its not going our way, especially on the topic of homosexuality.

Jesus was very stern with one group of people in his ministry– the religious people who were in judgment of others. See just a few of the stories in Matthew 7:1-5;  Matthew 23:1-28; Luke 6:32-42; John 8:1-11, etc.

I have come to believe as followers of Jesus, we get the most lost in our spiritual journey when we try to determine who is in the family of God, and who is not.  It’s simply not our call.  It is God’s business.  It is a fatal distraction.

Let us re-read our our job description as people of faith. Love God and love our neighbor as ourselves.  That’s it.  And this love includes loving persons who are gay, or anyone else we see as different from us.

Hundreds of people have said to me,  “I knew from the time I was a little boy (or girl) that I was different.  I knew that I was gay.” And yet, many of us in the church use the name of God to say to persons who are gay, “You are not really one of us.  You are not really part of this family.  You are not really a Christian.”  Ouch.

And so we refuse to acknowledge their relationships (which makes their relationships harder to sustain without social support), or to welcome them, or marry them, or ordain them.  Ouch.  It is the most painful thing we can say to our adopted brothers and sisters.

We must be careful my fellow brothers and sisters with this judgment thing.

We are all adopted into God’s family, by grace.  None of us were born into it.

And there is plenty of room for all of us in this human family.

For which, I am profoundly thankful.  Aren’t you?

This is the third in a series on “One Christian Minister’s Response to Homosexuality.”

One of the reasons Mike Saag (MD, Founder of The 1917 Clinic, and now head of Infectious Diseases at UAB) wanted to hire a chaplain for his clinic in 1994 was to do outreach to churches and the faith community.

He said, “Malcolm, we need help with the churches. They are hurting our patients more than helping them.” He was of course, referring to the stigma, judgment, and just plain meanness that some churches were exhibiting towards their own members and our patients when they found out they were HIV positive, and gay. The two went hand in hand in those years. (Click on picture.)

It was ironic to me that a physician who happened to be Jewish, and a businessman who happened to be Methodist, convinced a state university hospital system to hire a Chaplain who happened to be Baptist, to reach out to churches so that they could help rather than hurt its patients at the AIDS clinic. An innovative outreach program to say the least.

But there were also many churches and synagogues, and clergy persons, who wanted to help our patients, partners, and families in those early years. One of them was The Reverend Timothy Holder from Grace Episcopal in Birmingham.

“Hi Malcolm, this is Tim Holder from Grace Church,” he said in an unassuming manner on the phone. “I read about your work in the newspaper the other day and wanted to see if I could come and visit you to see how we could help.” We became friends. I learned later he was gay.

Today, he is the rector of the Church of the Ascension in Atlantic City, NJ. He is innovative, creative, and open to the Spirit as evidenced by a book he edited called The Hip Hop Prayer Book. He has been sensitive to the neighborhood he serves and has found ways to reach out to young people and bring them into the church with a hip hop worship style in the church.

Better yet, hear Tim in his own words.

I love my life and work as a priest in the Episcopal Church. Ordained the first openly gay priest in Alabama in 1997, I have experienced ‘complete joy’ that God wishes for all his children. I know pain and defeat, from which we learn, but joy and love conquer all fear and darkness (1 John 4:18). I celebrate joy and love because I am so happy that God created me who I am, a gay man. I am not sure I would be a priest in the Church if I were not gay. I am not sure if I would have been able to stand with Latino/a refugees and immigrants in Alabama and create a brand new congregation – also a first – as anything but a gay man.

Moving to the South Bronx of New York in 2002, resisting the Church’s call for celibacy and silence in my good home of Alabama, I became priest to an all-African American and Caribbean American congregation. Celebrating ‘Street and Altar’ with all my gay heart, I became a hip hop priest! And let me tell you, hip hop – children and young people – know the real deal. Gay is the real deal, sisters and brothers. I learned that early in life, thank God.

If we can stand up and celebrate – really celebrate – the humanity God gives each and every human being – g-a-y – then we can stand up and celebrate the abundance of humanity revealed to us in the unending color, awesomeness and beauty of God’s greater creation. This is just my story, but isn’t it wonderful?

Why all these things, so unexpected, so unlikely? ‘Gay’ is who I am and knowing this I can love myself as God loves me. ‘Gay’ like the priesthood, like Anglo-Catholic, like Latino/a, like African American, like hip hop is who I am and anything else would be just a lie. How boring is that?

Tim Holder is one of the reasons I believe that God can work through any of us, gay or straight, if we are open to reaching out to others.

Sometimes when we reach out, we are the ones who are changed.

Note: See Hip Hop in Action in Worship

This is the second in a series on “One Christian Minister’s Response to Homosexuality.”

Just a little over 15 years ago, I sat in a conference room with a half dozen persons as they asked me questions to determine if I would be their choice to be the first full-time chaplain at The 1917 Clinic at UAB (HIV Outpatient Clinic). They represented the community I would be relating to in my ministry including a couple of patients at the clinic, a staff member, the medical director and founder of the clinic, a local businessman, a local pastor, and a couple of other persons.

I don’t remember all of their questions, though some were expected. I tried to answer them directly and truthfully. But there was one question that stood out. The local pastor in the group leaned forward and asked the last question of the day, “Malcolm, I have been listening to your answers carefully today, and I still have one question for you.” “Sure, what is it?” I asked.

He caught my eye and said, “What I want to know is do you believe homosexuality is a sin?”

It was a clear, unambiguous, critical question for the grandson and son of Southern Baptist ministers. It was a fair question for this ordained Southern Baptist minister, and a minister who also had dual standing in the United Church of Christ (UCC) and Baptist denominations to answer. After all, if I was going to be the clergyman to persons who were gay or homosexual as the majority members of my parish at the time, I needed to know the answer to this question.

I leaned forward and said, “Well Joe, that depends. Let me ask you a question. Is heterosexuality a sin?” I asked rhetorically.

I continued with my answer. “I believe that our sexuality is a gift from God. I have to apply the same standards to persons who are homosexual to persons like myself who are heterosexual. If we are talking about a mutual, caring, respectful, loving, committed relationship, I would answer your question, ‘No,’ I do not believe homosexuality is a sin any more than heterosexuality is. If you are referring to a promiscuous, non-committed relationship, I would answer the same for both a same sex or opposite sex relationship, ‘Yes,’ it can be sinful. I also believe in God’s grace and forgiveness because we all fall short in this area.”

This was not a question I answered hastily. The answer for me had been years in development after studying the Bible as part of my former church’s journey to become a welcoming congregation in CT to all persons regardless of sexual orientation (see more about the UCC process of Open and Affirming here); walking with and listening to the struggles and stories of persons who were trying to do the right thing as they understood God in their lives. (I will deal with “the scriptures” in another post on this blog.)

And since that interview in 1994, I have walked with hundreds of individuals, parents, partners, and families down this road and have confirmed this belief in my heart. Gay and straight, we all struggle in this area. We all sin, or fall short. There are no exceptions.

Since that interview, I have also been humbled by my own divorce of a 16 year marriage, and had eight years of being single again and dating before I remarried in 2004. Believe me, I made lots of mistakes as a single heterosexual man during that time as I tried to find love in my life.

One thing I know is that many of the clergy who have been the most critical of persons who are gay have not had the gift of the hundreds of friendships I have had with persons in this setting. I understand, and I don’t blame them because I was just like them 20 years ago.

I was the minister in a large suburban church where I was not comfortable talking about sex openly, whether it was lesbian or gay or straight or bi-sexual, or anything else so intimate except in generalities, platitudes, or one way conversations.

My parishioners at the clinic have taught me how to have open discussion around this subject for which I am grateful. I have held the hands, heard the stories, married and performed the unions and funerals, dried their tears and visited them when they were sick and dying. And I have been changed because of my relationship with them. Still am.

And for this I am forever grateful and thankful.

The answer to this question from my 30 years of ministry is, it depends on how we use this gift we have been given.

This is the first in a series of “One Christian Minister’s Response to Homosexuality.”

I haven’t always felt comfortable when talking with persons who are gay–homosexual, lesbian, or transgendered. It seemed like a foreign language to me. I am still learning. Early on though it was more than language, it was an emotional, visceral response to homosexuality. I was homophobic.

I grew up as a Southern Baptist preacher’s kid in Montgomery, AL and had never heard my father or mother address the topic of homosexuality. They lived a faith that was kind and tender-hearted, and always loved people first no matter what. I took that faith into my own heart.

But I was also a product of my culture regarding homosexuality.

When I was in seminary in my early twenties, 1977-80, my wife pointed out to me how uncomfortable I was when she talked about a classmate who was/is gay. The more I protested that “I WAS NOT UNCOMFORTABLE!” the intensity in my voice said otherwise. I protested too much! I protested because it wasn’t my experience to be attracted to a same gender partner. I couldn’t imagine it. But the more I listened to friends over the next few years, the more I learned to reverse pronouns in my mind as they talked so that I could compare their experiences to my own as an heterosexual. I began to hear their pain.

As a minister in a church, a close friend of mine who was also a minister, walked into my church office one day and asked, “Can I talk with you for a moment?” I said, “Sure, close the door behind you.”

He said, “I see you as a good friend and I want you to know something about me. I am gay, and I want to tell you about my struggle and journey.” It was the first time anyone had said those words to me directly. I had intuitively known friends from childhood through young adulthood who were gay, but we had never talked about it.

But this time, sitting in front of me was someone who was a good friend and one of the finest Christians I knew. I was not surprised by his words and told him so. But I admitted that I needed an education. I trusted this friend with my questions. “Have you always felt this way? Did you choose to be a homosexual?” He was patient and kind with me.

He told me about being aware he was “different” as a young boy. He pushed the feelings away and played the game. As he went through puberty, his internal attraction to other boys was stronger, as mine was for girls. When he told his parents, they sent him to several religious camps, programs, groups, and therapists to help him “change.” He prayed daily for years for God to heal him, to change him. God did not.

“Finally,” he said, “after years of pleading with God to change me I said to God, ‘I am either going to end my life or I am going to be the best Christian I can be as a person who is gay.’ I chose the latter.” I am glad he did.

I have learned that my friend’s journey is not uncommon. Just yesterday on March 3rd, 2009, an anonymous reader told a similar story on my blog:

The issue crystallized and reached a turning point for me when a passing motorist rescued one of our students, a 15 year old boy, “Jimmy”, dangling over the edge of Gold Star Bridge, the span across the Thames River in Connecticut between New London and Groton. This was about 10 years ago… (read more in “Comments” at the bottom of the page for March 3, 2009.)

Parents have come to me over the years and asked “What do we do?” when they discovered their child was gay.

I listened and encouraged them to love their child no matter what. To be kind and tender-hearted with them. How could that be possibly wrong?

Many gifted men and women have come to me and said, “I am gay.” I have told them that they are a child of God no matter what anyone else has told them. Each one is a child of God. No exceptions. God has given them gifts they are to use to make this a better world. Just as God has given to us all.

My gay friends have been my teachers. They have taught me to be myself, nothing more nothing less. They have learned this lesson better than I. Sometimes I wish I could preach like one friend of mine or be as wise as another pastoral counselor I know. The have reminded me I just need to be Malcolm. They have also taught me to laugh more often, hug more frequently, and listen more intently. I cannot imagine my life without these friends in my life now. I am a better person as a result.

I have never heard a person say in 30 years of ministry, “I think I will be gay” as a choice. Or, “I think I’ll try being gay, or I think I’ll rebel against my parents and be gay.” Not one, ever. It has always been the way they have been for as long as they can remember. Some recognize it early in life, some later.

I am still thankful to my friend who I believe God sent to me as one of my first teachers many years ago. I still see his face and hear his voice in each new person I meet. And now, I see God’s face and hear God’s voice in each person.

My prayer is that there will be more persons who will share with trusted friends about his or her sexual orientation. I plead with you to do so. I know it takes great courage. But we who are heterosexual need you desperately to tell your story to us. Otherwise this is a dry as dust, hypothetical, theological monologue.

And I also pray there will be more and more persons who will be willing to listen, learn, and be supportive of you.

This issue is ultimately about relationships, and it is through friendships and relationships that we will be changed around this issue. Amen.

Dear Friends,

In the coming days and weeks I am going to write an ongoing series on my blog about my journey in my 30 years of ministry on why I believe all persons (more specifically persons who are gay–GLBT) are children of God and should also have the same rights and responsibilities as everyone in our society including marriage, healthcare insurance, role in the church, etc.

I’ve been wanting to do this for quite some time, and for whatever reason I feel led to do so now.

Of course, I can only speak from my personal life experience including:

1. Being a former Baptist and UCC minister, and now a lay person in the Episcopal Church
2. Being a Chaplain at The 1917 Clinic since 1994 and hearing the thousands of stories from patients, colleagues, and parents
3. My understanding of a Biblical response that is often left out of the traditional church argument
4. Being a straight, married, bald, white guy

I understand that trust is critical in this request. I also know that the primary way true change comes about in our lives is through personal story and relationships, not through a proof-text of the Bible or an hypothetical argument. I see this as part of my responsibility as a Chaplain in an HIV clinic and as a minister being faithful to the Christian faith as I understand it.

I do not take this issue lightly as it impacts persons I see everyday in my life.

My request is twofold (one, both, or neither):

1. Write a sentence, paragraph, or more of your own personal story, perspective, or experience in being gay or having friends or family members who are gay. It can be an experience with the church or not, with God or not, or an experience with discrimination or issues you believe to be important in this discussion. Email it to me.
2. Please tell other persons you know who may want to share the above with me.

I give you my word that I will:

1. Protect all written responses with utmost confidentiality.
2. If I use any part of your story on my blog, I will protect your identity unless you tell me otherwise.

What do I hope will happen as a result of this writing?

I do not have any expectations of grandiose change. I simply want to add my view and the stories of others to the discussion. I am open to hearing from others from both sides of the issue.

If you have any questions, please email me at mmarler@uab.edu or call me at 205-975-8923.

Thank you for being my teacher,
Malcolm