This is the ninth in a series on My Faith Journey. (If you prefer to listen, click on the arrow below.)
Nine years ago on January 16, 2003, I wrote the following words in my journal late one evening when I was alone:
Tonight, I got on my knees by my couch at home after feeling a strong urging in my heart or gut to do so.
God, I am ready to be free from the effect that my mother’s death had on me when I was 10 and how it has affected me regarding relationships since.
Simple, clear, concise . . . from my heart.
Inside, I felt it was time to accept this truth by faith and begin living “as if” it was true.
I want to love someone with my whole heart, holding nothing back.
How could I know that years of therapy had prepared me to be vulnerable enough with God finally to pray this prayer and mean it? I had unconsciously locked a corner of my heart around the sharing all of my feelings with significant relationships, thus blocking the possibility of intimacy.
How could I know that I could be changed with a prayer that was so simple?
How could I know that less than two weeks later on January 29th I would be swept off my feet by Mary Beatrice Sullivan in Chapel Hill, NC and marry her nineteen months later?
Vulnerable, heart felt prayers create intimacy with God and others.
Since then, for me the purpose of prayer is not so much convincing God to give me something as much as it is for me to be willing to change.
And then to live like it.
What have you been prepared to pray? What areas have you locked away due to hurt, grief, or anger?
Go ahead, speak it from your heart, let it go, be not afraid.